Twin Hype “Nothing Could Save Ya” (1991)
While writing "Supernatural Delight," (the first entry of Actual Facts) I realized that the disappearance of dancing from rap videos in 1992 was not the watershed moment I wanted it to be. Genre fanatics enshrine and sanctify the music of their adolescence. Such rituals are repeated by subsequent generations of fans, unaware that their longing for an invented prelapsarian past is linked not only to the history of the genre's discourse about its own development (see any "back in the day" rap song whether it waxes wistful about the pre-crack era, old school rap, childhood, or all of the above) but also to a pervasive romantic tradition that precedes rap by centuries. The transition from day-glo D.A.I.S.Y. age reverie to Timberland stomping aggression was anything but tidy.
Nucci Reyo and New Jerusalem’s Second Great Awakening
One night in maybe 2005 I piled into a colicky hooptie in search of a house party that was being held somewhere near the expired electric car line in Long Branch, NJ. Unlike my usual haunts, this shore city is not a felled industrial-commercial center but a faded resort wonderland for the monocled laudanum fiends of the Gilded Age. The broad shabby avenues stay freckled with harbingers of a sizzling new gentrification stirring in the uppermost part of the old South. Pipsqueak fences slung around peacetime craters bear fliers foretelling automated skypads and gleaming mausoleums for the delicate arts. Halogen coils framing eurotrash boutiques and the pastel sunbursts of restored hotels compete with neon signage toasting bulletproof partitioned takeout joints, conjoined pool hall-pawnshop predicaments, and restless Quisqueyana beauty salons.
Crosses To Bear
I was raised to believe I was raised at the lustrous vertex of a congenial port city periodically trespassed by crushes of wheezy befuddled migrants still sopping from their slapdash easterly joyrides. The story goes that motley flotillas were swayed by Nueva Jersey's blushing sirens to bend with the trade winds and mango mingle in the dissipating crosscurrents until the unseemly psalms of the passengers' febrile motherlands tailgated freon gases into the ether. Preachers, principals, aunts, and the graybeard derelicts dueling at speed chess and dominoes naturalized these kinked-out processes to the extent that mind-forged historical curiosities such as triangular trade and Operation Bootstrap were plugged out of the grand pluralist equation. Our majestic city's cosmic pollination was deemed a true and living peephole into paradise's peacefully integrated capes n' colonials census tracts. The sloppy pudding proof of a divine diversity was said to flourish in the washy but jostling marketplace squares, the pageantry-swelled plumed transepts of Lent, and of course the butter pecan, sweet cider, brown sugar, cafe con leche, honey-dipped blended young ladies cursing us playfully through glossed-out pursed-lips for the cool romantic stretch of the Dia De Los Tres Reyes Magos parade route.
Menlo Park Mall 5/17/08
This pretty little place is dead for a Friday, not quite vacuous but unseasonably emptied of the groomed loathing droves grumbling all by their loan sums. Reader I ask you: where does a buttressed institution fall on a scale from irreproachable to retro-ironically permissible? Let's all agree that the coastal Chattering Classes anoint soothsayers to finesse the zeitgeist-est, most frequently updated hive mind in history. This clandestine straight-legged electoral college is my most sacred scapegoat. I live right and exact in a composed, beatific shade apart from their harrowing gaze, fresh for less than $99.95. You might catch me perusing middlebrow boutiques without so much as a viable wish list, then I'm sinking into a jingo-jangle popcorn shoot 'em up film festival at the tacky-floored cineplex odeon.
Blackboard Jungle
October '92 was the quincentennial of El Descubrimiento De America and for most of the month my eighth grade social studies teacher rhapsodized piously about Cristobal Colon's capricious seafaring. This stonewall straggler of the rapidly distressing Italian section of town (called “The ‘Burg” long after the last German speakers departed) gave off amperes of tribal pride as he recounted the Genovese (this is long before a unified Italian state) navigator's struggle to convince Reina Isabel de (brand spanking new) Espana that silken Asia was closer than it appeared on scientifically accurate maps. Though hoarse from bocce-ball victory maduros and stooped by scoliosis, my teacher proved to be a consistently arresting orator on par with the majority of my later college professors.
That Real Live Bunch From Jersey
New Jerseyan dissidents are frequently observed bandying about our state's population density (1,171.1 persons per sq. mi, son!) as if any one of us really has anything to do with it. It is certainly somewhat understandable that each Garden State resident who was elected to be born north of the Rio Grande expects to be counted as a legitimate point o' lite in this spiral galaxy of a clusterfuck. Belief in such a notion may be symptomatic of a contagious mania or an over-dependence on waning Jeffersonian ideals, but the fact of the matter (as I've been told on at least numerous occasions) remains that the inescapable crowdedness of Jersey results from a confluence of factors.
Country Buffet and the Rebirth Of Cool
Me and Paola have been cool for a minute now. But it's a different cool than you're thinking. No, not that fawned-over mestizaje of rained-in Luso-enlightenment and picked-a-part delta-Chi-town detachment that conceived the bossa nova on a tastefully upholstered snooker table. That's a wondrous theory and all, but you will seldom catch me touting a postcolonial fantasy after it reveals itself to be inconveniently untrue. We're cool like something else altogether. After a few weeks of unbroken routinized boredom, my mind is stuck on a frosty glass, cold harbor, segue stirred memory of the seventeenth time our Tuesday evening plans dissolved into something too temperate, too janky, and I'm good again. You cannot accuse us of not knowing each other.
Supernatural Delight
The Future Sound - "The Function"
It's not as if one strange day people just stopped dancing to rap music, but one strange day people just stopped dancing to rap music. They didn't stop jamming or bopping, naturally. But at some point in early '92 everyone* stopped Roger Rabbit-ing the fuck all over their parents' cluttered dining-living rooms.



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